Fear and Being a Good Father
I used to love The West Wing. I still like it well enough. The dialog is snappy, the characters are interesting and engaging, and the cast is a miracle of an ensemble. Maybe I'll get into the love to like transition in another post. Today I'm thinking about S1E4 "Five Votes Down" where Leo McGarry, explaining to his wife, Jenny, why he scheduled a meeting in the middle of their rescheduled anniversary dinner, said "This is the most important thing I'll ever do, Jenny. I have to do it well."
That's how I feel about raising my kids. Bringing up these little boys is the most important thing I will ever do, I have to do it well.
It's a clarifying idea. When there is a conflict between raising my kids and my Mom's feelings, or finding time for friends, or any of the million things that you give up when you have kids, there's no issue. The kids come first. They must always come first.
It's also an enormous amount of pressure. This is it. This is the thing. Everything that came before these years (decades) was preamble. Everything that comes after is postscript. My life's main effect on the world will be raising these kids. I have to do it well.
When I talk to people about my anxieties around being a good father there's a theme in the responses I get: "If you're worried about being a good Dad, that means you already are one." Bad fathers don't worry about whether they're bad fathers or not. I think that's true, but I also think it's unhelpful. It doesn't assuage the anxiety. If anything it makes me want to take my anxiety and pin it to my chest like a medal. "See? I'm an anxious father. That means I'm good right? My kids will turn out good. Right?"
It's the most important thing I'll ever do, so I should be a little anxious about it, right? Or at least a little concerned? I should spend every waking hour trying to be a good father. I should burn myself so that they can have the childhood, the lives that they're supposed to have.
All of these feelings are born of fear of course. I anticipated a lot of the shit that comes along with fatherhood. The sleepless nights, the vomit and feces, the 2 year old that will simply tell you "No." when you try to get him to put a jacket on before going outside, all were expected. I'm surprised how afraid I am most of the time. Not of the kids getting hurt or dying in the short term (though SIDS is a scary fucking thing,) but the long term ones. What if I screw up and my kids hate me when they're older? What if they get hooked on Fentanyl? What if they don't catch the half dozen or so lucky breaks that kept me from turning into an incel? What if they just don't come home one day?
I didn't really know what an intrusive thought was until these past few years, and I find that I am having trouble dealing with them. I should get myself back to therapy, I know, but I wonder how many of my fears are unreasonable. The world is a fucked up place.
Maybe its simply that I can't do anything about that stuff right now. I just have to keep doing the things I can do well. Because raising these kids is the most important thing I will ever do.